Haven’t done this in a while, but here’s part three of telling my stories of self harm urges, mental breakdowns, and more in hopes of making others feel less alone.
I feel like I should preface this story with the fact that I get these phases where I don’t cry for a pretty long period of time. Usually, when this happens, something seemingly small that triggers me will then release the whole buildup of tears. Like the floodgates opening to welcome a tsunami.
Last night, I had a soccer game. I hadn’t cried in a little while and I felt skeptical of when it was finally going to hit. I had a feeling it was coming soon.
It was halftime and I was supposed to go onto the field to start, but all the sudden, as we were in the huddle ready to break, a tear slipped down my cheek. My breathing became shallow and ragged. I tried to regain calmness, but couldn’t. This was very much an oh shit moment for me. I called over my friend (shout out to her, I’m so unbelievably thankful for her) and she pulled me away from the group to help me. Someone took my place on the field.
My thoughts were racing – partly because of this surprising onset of a panic attack and partly because I was kicking myself for having it. I could not calm my breathing and the tears were a consistent stream at this point.
I want to interject here to say – this is totally and completely normal. Having a panic attack in the middle of a soccer game? Embarrassing. Having a panic attack for no particular reason? Confusing. But emotions will do that to you. Embarrass you and confuse you. Throw you for a hell of a loop. But you have to just take it in stride. This is definitely a hard thing to tackle, but what always helps me is thinking of it in a reverse situation. If someone was having a subdued panic attack on the side of the soccer field and they were clearly struggling, would I be judging them? Absolutely not. I would be wondering what was going on and if they were okay. Probably more than anything, I would just wish I could do something to help them. Thinking about the situation in this perspective helps to settle any other thoughts of what others are thinking of you or what is going on elsewhere because in this type of moment, the best thing you can do is focus solely on yourself and on regulating your emotions. Anyways, transition back to story:
After finally getting my breathing somewhat in check, I ran to the bathroom to quickly recompose myself. I splashed water on my face and looked myself in the eyes. You can do this. Then, I ran back out and my coach put me into the game. I played the rest of the game and had both an assist and a goal!
The point of this story is that emotions will come, sometimes in small ripples and sometimes in big tsunamis, and there is nothing you can do but react in the most effective way possible. Compose yourself and get on with it. Most importantly, don’t let a sudden onset of emotion hold you back. Keep in mind that it is completely normal, so treat it as normally as drinking water if you’re thirsty, and then get straight back into whatever you are doing. In no way was I expecting to have a panic attack in the middle of my soccer game yesterday, but it happened. Let it wash over and straight off of you. Believe it will pass and you will come out the other side stronger. Because that is exactly what happens.
– Avery
Mentally, I’m Here 