Part two of telling my stories of self harm urges, mental breakdowns, and more in hopes of making others feel less alone.
Last summer, I would take almost daily walks around my neighborhood and walk through a trail near my house that winded trees. I always listened to music in my Airpods on these walks. They were very calming and meditative for me.
One day, I was fighting a pretty strong urge to self harm. Instead of giving into my urge, I decided to go for a walk. I walked through the winding trail like I always would, listening to my Quinn XCII playlist that always helps separate myself from my intrusive thoughts in tough times. Walking through the woods in the sunny daylight this day was like walking through haunted woods in a nightmare. It was a type of brain distortion so bizarre that I will never forget the image. Everything around me was looking like a weapon I could use to self harm. It seemed like all these demons were coming out of the trees trying to harm me, like I was a magnet for scratches down my body. In the wondrous woods, I felt trapped and suffocated. If I had claustrophobia, it for sure would have been acting up in that moment. I walked for a little longer until my thoughts became unbearable, and eventually, I turned around and ran home.
This specific urge was really unique and unlike a lot of others I’ve had. An activity and place that usually relaxed my mind, launched me into an even tighter spiral of intrusive thoughts that I was not expecting.
It was a really scary moment, but still after that day, I went back on that same path, with the same playlist blasting in my ears, and everything was okay. If you relate to this story, or if this has happened to you, I challenge you to go back to the setting the scary situation took place and face your fears and memory of that time. Remember that it is just a place and that it is not in control of what you think and feel. Only you are in control of that.
Emotions can be so powerful, but keep in mind that so are you. You are not alone.
– Avery
Mentally, I’m Here 