Hi! I’m going to start a new series where I talk through some of the specific times I felt the urge to self harm (whether I actually did or not) or times where I had a mental breakdown and how it came up/ what triggered it. I’m starting this series to show that these urges and breakdowns are not a thing to feel ashamed of, and that they can come up in all types of unexpected circumstances. These sensations are a build-up of strong, negative emotions that are pushing to be released, usually because we have been keeping them buried inside for too long. Whenever this happens, there is no need to feel scared, alone, or broken. Tell someone you trust, like a therapist, parent, or sibling, and keep in mind that it will get better. I hope some of my stories speak to you. Here’s part one.
A few months ago, I was planning my sweet sixteen. I was making these fill-in-the-blank note cards for my friends to fill out about our relationship, how we met, and all that stuff, and I was really excited about this idea. My mom and I went to Office Max to get the cards printed and while we were waiting, we were talking about how we were going to set the notes up for the party. My mom thought we should write each individual name on each note to make sure everyone would fill one out. I, on the other hand, thought we should just keep a pile at the front for people to go up and grab to fill out. This discussion quickly turned heated as we couldn’t settle on a decision. Finally, my mom was like, “Fine. Do it your way” and told me to put the little name labels back where we found them. I went back to the aisle and as soon as I was alone, broke down and into a panic attack. Right in Office Max. I was feeling all these hot feelings of anxiety, anger, and sadness, but I was also feeling ashamed for breaking down in the middle of an office supplies store about something so “stupid.” I eventually cooled off and came back to my mom, but didn’t tell her about the panic attack. Eventually when I did, long after that day, it was a whole long discussion and overall, just a very negative experience.
Honestly, I’m still not quite sure why the argument spiked such strong feelings from me. I think I was feeling anxious about planning my sweet sixteen because I wanted everyone to enjoy it, but I wasn’t acknowledging my anxious feelings which resulted in them all spilling out at the thought of not having the party go how I wanted it to.
This breakdown was all over pretty quickly, but it was a fairly recent and memorable one I wanted to share for the first post of this series. That’s all for today. Remember you are not alone in hard times.
– Avery
Mentally, I’m Here 